Varnish
I'm not who I once was and I am struggling to know if that is better. If I am better.
My wife tells me I am a better husband now. That I treat my kids better than ever. My friends tell me I have changed and become gentler in my approach with my wife, kids, and those around me. To think this would be easier for me to believe, considering those closest to me see it.
It is hard to notice. The change others see. I choose to believe them because the current vision I have of myself is tainted in the fog and doubt that seems to come with learning to love oneself.
The journey I have been on towards a "self-actualization" of sorts has been great, horrifying, gratifying, and hard. Hard. I am trying. Harder than I ever have. I feel like I am up to my neck in quicksand(you know, the kind you imagined as a child). You are supposed to stay calm in quick sand, but calm is the opposite of where my mind wants to go. I want to scream, sob, yell, kick. I want to be free of my old, self-destructive, self-doubting, selfish, lying self. I want myself. I want me.
I don't remember a New Year's goal that I have set and actually achieved. I set a goal this year to get help, to talk to someone, to find myself. I got help. Finding myself is still in its infancy.
Stripping away the varnish of hate, deceit, and self-doubt has been liberating. I wrote Liberating Strife thinking I knew what that meant. Thinking I understood the depth of which I needed to change. I read that now and realize how it was just scratching the surface. The surface of that thick, old, and tainted varnish I had covered myself with so people couldn't see the real me. So I couldn't see the real me.
I am trying to trust that I am changing.
Caitlin and I refinished a table and chairs when we were first married. She took all the old upholstery off and replaced it with this cute fabric. I sanded, and sanded, and sanded to remove the old varnish and stain.
I realize who I was for 29 years was a considerable amount of good. Just clouded under layers and layers of stain and varnish. Removing these to reveal my true self is a journey I started earlier this year. Chipping away. Abrasiveness. Blatant honesty. It has involved some moments of incredible clarity. That clarity has given light to the good and to the awful. The darkness has seemed inescapable.
Resorting to the past feels a breath away at times. Everyday I tell myself that going back isn't worth it. I believe it more every day. That me being true to myself, rather than appeasing others, is the only way we find real, lasting fulfillment.
I am getting there. And, frankly, "getting there" is the essence of my journey.
The only advice I have, and continually try to apply to my own life, is to embrace every aspect of yourself. The things that come easy, the things that don't. The good and the nasty. I would encourage tackling this long before having to work through years of pain.
And all those damn layers of varnish.
My wife tells me I am a better husband now. That I treat my kids better than ever. My friends tell me I have changed and become gentler in my approach with my wife, kids, and those around me. To think this would be easier for me to believe, considering those closest to me see it.
It is hard to notice. The change others see. I choose to believe them because the current vision I have of myself is tainted in the fog and doubt that seems to come with learning to love oneself.
The journey I have been on towards a "self-actualization" of sorts has been great, horrifying, gratifying, and hard. Hard. I am trying. Harder than I ever have. I feel like I am up to my neck in quicksand(you know, the kind you imagined as a child). You are supposed to stay calm in quick sand, but calm is the opposite of where my mind wants to go. I want to scream, sob, yell, kick. I want to be free of my old, self-destructive, self-doubting, selfish, lying self. I want myself. I want me.
I don't remember a New Year's goal that I have set and actually achieved. I set a goal this year to get help, to talk to someone, to find myself. I got help. Finding myself is still in its infancy.
Stripping away the varnish of hate, deceit, and self-doubt has been liberating. I wrote Liberating Strife thinking I knew what that meant. Thinking I understood the depth of which I needed to change. I read that now and realize how it was just scratching the surface. The surface of that thick, old, and tainted varnish I had covered myself with so people couldn't see the real me. So I couldn't see the real me.
I am trying to trust that I am changing.
Caitlin and I refinished a table and chairs when we were first married. She took all the old upholstery off and replaced it with this cute fabric. I sanded, and sanded, and sanded to remove the old varnish and stain.
I realize who I was for 29 years was a considerable amount of good. Just clouded under layers and layers of stain and varnish. Removing these to reveal my true self is a journey I started earlier this year. Chipping away. Abrasiveness. Blatant honesty. It has involved some moments of incredible clarity. That clarity has given light to the good and to the awful. The darkness has seemed inescapable.
Resorting to the past feels a breath away at times. Everyday I tell myself that going back isn't worth it. I believe it more every day. That me being true to myself, rather than appeasing others, is the only way we find real, lasting fulfillment.
I am getting there. And, frankly, "getting there" is the essence of my journey.
The only advice I have, and continually try to apply to my own life, is to embrace every aspect of yourself. The things that come easy, the things that don't. The good and the nasty. I would encourage tackling this long before having to work through years of pain.
And all those damn layers of varnish.
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