Ruffled Feathers

I'm not who I once was and I am struggling to know if that is better. If I am better. My wife tells me I am a better husband now. That I treat my kids better than ever. My friends tell me I have changed and become gentler in my approach with my wife, kids, and those around me. To think this would be easier for me to believe, considering those closest to me see it. It is hard to notice. The change others see. I choose to believe them because the current vision I have of myself is tainted in the fog and doubt that seems to come with learning to love oneself. The journey I have been on towards a "self-actualization" of sorts has been great, horrifying, gratifying, and hard. Hard. I am trying. Harder than I ever have. I feel like I am up to my neck in quicksand(you know, the kind you imagined as a child). You are supposed to stay calm in quick sand, but calm is the opposite of where my mind wants to go. I want to scream, sob, yell, kick. I want to be free of my old, sel...

I was born and raised, for a few years, in Oklahoma. In the early 90's my parents took a chance on a job and we left for eastern Ohio where my father trained for his new position. A few moves later I am now in Paul, Idaho with a family of my own and an incredible job. But...there is something missing, there will always be something missing. My paternal grandfather, Michael Fauvell, grew up in Brooklyn and had that typical accent Here , an accent I have no memory of, but would give anything to hear. My grandmother tells me that his coworkers would love it when he spoke, particularly when he would need to count. I have one faint memory of this man. We were visiting Oklahoma when I was about 12 and we went to the restaurant my grandfather was managing, I remember him sweeping. That's it. I wish I had more. I wish I had him. I found, and continue to find, myself longing for something that never really was... I was serving an LDS mission in Colorado in 2008 when I got a letter fro...

I was born in Stillwater, Oklahoma and lived in and around there for a few years before my parents took a chance on a job opportunity and moved our family to Austintown, Ohio. That same job took us to Fernley, Nevada a year later and Twin Falls, Idaho four years after that. I have lived in Idaho since New Years Day of 1999 with my only break being a two year church service mission in Denver, Colorado. I have been blessed to live in a variety of places, meet a lot of different people, and experience different styles of life. I credit my parents for giving me these opportunities. Without their faith to get up and move across the country multiple times I wouldn't have been given these chances to learn and grow. Fireflies in Ohio, New England in the fall, actual mountains(sorry Appalachians, you're just hills), tornadoes in Oklahoma, scorpions in Nevada, potato guns in Idaho, and college in Pocatello. All of these opportunities for growth have rubbed off on me in one way or anoth...

I was waiting for church to start when I saw her for the first time. She was wearing a white dress and, in my 22 year old immature mind I thought, does she want some fries with that shake? She was visiting with a girl I knew pretty well and I knew I had my opening. I had "broken up" with a girl I thought I was going to marry a few months prior and we were still seeing each other off and on when I met Caitlin. I was not in a good place. The relationship was everything a relationship shouldn't be and it showed in most aspects of my life. I wasn't happy. Together, we were like fire and gasoline. We didn't bring out the best in each other. I was clingy and downright creepy at times. She was the first girl I had ever loved and I held on too long. I made plenty of poor choices. Finally, through the persistence and help of a few true friends, I cut all ties and never looked back. After the first hour of church we headed to Sunday School where I was sitting in front o...